News-Letter

The majority of Hopkins students can be defined as intelligent, motivated and constantly stressed out. We stuff our schedules with academics, research, jobs, sports and extracurricular activities. By the end of each day, we trudge back to our rooms, crashing after our caffeine binges while annoyed with everyone and everything. Who has to bear the burden of our bitching? Usually this unfortunate responsibility falls on our boyfriends and girlfriends.

The stresses we endure on a daily basis -- waking up to your roommate's 7 a.m. alarm, pop quizzes and long hikes to Bloomberg -- negatively affect our relationships. If you're continuously overworked and aggravated, that energy will be passed on to your partner. When this issue goes unresolved, your relationship will quickly weaken under the weight of your burdens.

How can this problem be resolved? The most logical answer is to relax and take things easy. But let's be honest. Removing the element of stress from your Hopkins career is impossible: Professors won't stop scheduling Biochem and Orgo midterms back-to-back. We must accept the frustration of grueling academics.

There are other alternatives to whining as a method to relieve tension. When I need to alleviate stress I write in my journal, while others run 10 miles, wail on the guitar or masturbate. Though I do promote all these healthy activities, allow me to propose another option: Have angry sex.

You're probably wondering: "What exactly is angry sex?" Essentially, it's having ravenous, unbridled sex when you and your partner are frustrated and enraged. While it may seem ridiculous, it is also very logical. Anger and sexual desire are strong, overpowering forces. They are both forms of passion. You can choose to stay bitter and fume with anger, or you can release these emotions in an explosion of skin and sweat. If you're ready for forceful, suffocatingly hot sex, continue reading.

With angry sex, there is a direct correlation between the level of your frustration and the intensity of your hook-up. The angrier you are, the more animalistic your sex will be. You just failed your Heat Transfer exam -- that will provide you the energy to tear off your partner's shirt, ripping seams and popping off buttons. Are you missing your family vacation to Florida because of a history midterm? Take your frustration out on your partner's neck. Who cares if you leave a few marks? Instead of complaining about your eight-hour shift driving drunken freshmen in the escort van, go at it so long that you will collapse from the exhausting pleasure and need a day of recovery before the two of you get in the saddle again.

There are two types of angry sex. The first, mentioned above involves releasing your own personal aggression by making the bed frame suffer. It's an overall satisfying experience that allows you to transform your negativity into something positive and stimulating. The initiation of this type of angry sex is up to you, since it's your issues that need to be "resolved."

The other form of angry sex is a result of both partners being upset with each other. In contrast to make-up sex after a fight, this is not sweet and gentle; it's rough and fanatical. The idea is to dominate over your partner in order to win both the argument and struggle for sexual control. To successfully initiate angry sex, you must be intuitive enough to know when your partner is genuinely upset or simply annoyed. Don't begin coming on to your partner if he or she is crying (yes, men cry).

The climax of the argument is when you make your move. Exert force and maybe even some playful violence. Even if your partner is in the middle of a sentence, pin them against a wall and kiss them with all of your passionate anger. Never let things calm down or give your partner a chance to catch his or her breath. Mercilessly tease them by slowly moving your mouth lower giving him a taste of your oral skills before coming back up. Your partner will gleefully suffer with anticipation. Prevent them from making any moves by holding their hands above their head while you straddle their body. Make them endure your heavy breathing in their ear and roaming hands. Their sexual energy will build and suddenly explode as they take control over you. It's your turn to be provoked by their stimulation. After fighting long enough in bed, finally give into the pleasure. Your stress will melt in the heat of your friction.

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