News-Letter

Media Credit: Matt Hansen [Click to enlarge]

Male athletes sometimes touch each other's backsides. Not that Hopkins is by any means a socially "normal" school, but I think I would be correct in stating that in most places, even at Hopkins, a friendly tap on the behind from male-to-male, or even male-to-female, in public, would be questioned. And that's what this article is about. Why do athletes smack each other's asses? Luckily, here at Hopkins, not only do we have male butt-smacking athletes, but our ass-slappers manage to also excel at a highly competitive institution, reflecting their intuitive nature and - dare we say it? ­- scientific expertise on the topic.

Freshman soccer player Neil MacLean gives us a simplified, general rule for when the butt slap is appropriate. "You're not gonna slap a guy's caboose unless you're real tight with the guy," he claims.

However, according to freshman lacrosse player Max Levine, there is a complex system underlying MacLean's general policy. "I personally think that the closer teammates are with each other, the farther down their slaps will be." He elaborates, "Two teammates who aren't best buddies tend to slap each other on the shoulder or upper back. Teammates who are pretty tight go for the mid to lower back. Teammates who see each other as brothers go for the real deal and slap each other's asses."

There is also a specific way to speak the buttocks language, according to freshman baseball player Brendan Walsh. "No cupping or squeezing; its got to be quick and painless, just to let them know I'm there." Who knew that the ass smack held such profundity?

Freshman tennis player Dan Myers obviously does. He seems to truly understand the essence of the athletic spank, explaining, "Well, a nice smack on the butt could mean anything. It can just mean, 'Nice job,' or 'You'll get them next time,' but it can also mean simply, 'Hi, how you doin'?', or 'How's that essay coming along?', or, 'Wow, your butt is pretty muscly today. You been working out?'"

Now that they had explained the requirements and described a few meanings behind the mystery of this motion, the athletic gentlemen were also eager to rationalize the gesture. "High fives are becoming outdated. Handshakes work, but eye contact is made and it takes too much time. The celebratory dance is used, but only on special occasions," freshman football player Michael Stoffel says. He concludes: "A smack on the ass can be used any time." Freshman men's fencer Jim Pearse thoroughly defended the tush touch by sending me the following statement:

Continued...

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