Essentials that a Hopkins student should never be without
The Johns Hopkins University takes pride in the stress and neurosis it causes its students. Here on Homewood campus, everybody feels the pain of their workload and, eventually, everybody cracks. Once one also takes into consideration the school's less-than-perfect social scene, the seriousness of our dire straights cannot be overlooked. Fortunately, I'm here to help you people out. I've selflessly dedicated my time here to wringing this school dry of every bit of fun so that I can share my knowledge of the pleasurable with you, the reader. The following list should be used as a reference guide, as if it were one of you people's solutions manuals. It was written with the Hopkins everyman in mind, and it will keep you (somewhat) sane while here. I've lived this lifestyle for a good four months now and can honestly say that, despite some mild liver issues and a complete disregard for self-respect, my level of happiness has been entirely acceptable.
1.Fanny Pack. While I realize the utilitarian nature of such a device effectively justifies its existence in any circumstance, recent laws of fashion have deemed its donning taboo. Those who proudly wield the crotch pocket risk being socially ostracized and de-friended on Facebook. Around Hopkins, however, fanny packs are making a come back. Kids of all size and mental stability can be seen marching around Homewood, proudly toting their junk in the front. I would like to formally welcome the fanny pack back into acceptability. Plus, one can easily shove the rest of the things on this list into a fanny pack, thus making the Hopkins experience more tolerable. Alcohol helps with that, too.
2. School Apparel. Let's be honest: Many a Hopkins student needs a little help when it comes to fitting in. Fortunately, the good people over in merchandising have thrown us a bone in the form of clothing emblazoned with the school logo. Not only can this stuff be carelessly thrown on in lieu of any outfit, but it makes a statement: Sure, I may make you feel uncomfortable now, but in 10-odd years my social incapability will be outweighed by massive amounts of money. That's right - Hopkins gear labels you as someone on the road to success and points out to the opposite sex that you've made better life decisions than they. Don't believe me? Put on a Jhop sweatshirt and wander over to Towson. Just be sure to bring safety.
1.Fanny Pack. While I realize the utilitarian nature of such a device effectively justifies its existence in any circumstance, recent laws of fashion have deemed its donning taboo. Those who proudly wield the crotch pocket risk being socially ostracized and de-friended on Facebook. Around Hopkins, however, fanny packs are making a come back. Kids of all size and mental stability can be seen marching around Homewood, proudly toting their junk in the front. I would like to formally welcome the fanny pack back into acceptability. Plus, one can easily shove the rest of the things on this list into a fanny pack, thus making the Hopkins experience more tolerable. Alcohol helps with that, too.
2. School Apparel. Let's be honest: Many a Hopkins student needs a little help when it comes to fitting in. Fortunately, the good people over in merchandising have thrown us a bone in the form of clothing emblazoned with the school logo. Not only can this stuff be carelessly thrown on in lieu of any outfit, but it makes a statement: Sure, I may make you feel uncomfortable now, but in 10-odd years my social incapability will be outweighed by massive amounts of money. That's right - Hopkins gear labels you as someone on the road to success and points out to the opposite sex that you've made better life decisions than they. Don't believe me? Put on a Jhop sweatshirt and wander over to Towson. Just be sure to bring safety.
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