News-Letter

My parents claim that they come to visit Hopkins for the lacrosse games, but I know that the only reason they drive from New Jersey is to take me grocery shopping. After our triumph over Princeton's Tigers this Saturday, we hopped in the car and drove over to Giant to pick up some fake meat and several gallons of diet iced tea. An aisle away from the soy milk, I spotted a fellow student. Ducking behind the adult diapers, I calmly explained to my dad my aversion to running into "Kreepy K." When in a crowded frat house basement, it is almost acceptable for an ungainly Hopkins male to grope a little too close to a female's unmentionables, but I was less than willing to receive a way too touchy greeting from my awkward acquaintance in the dairy isle. But those wandering hands don't even make the top 10 things that Hopkins boys do to drive the ladies away.



10. The Geek Who Tries to Bring the Classroom into Your Pants

We all read that article about how the pheromones in male sweat attract women, but in reality, not washing yourself is just gross. Don't use your notes from Human Sexuality to score because it's not going to work.



9. The Virgin Freshman Who Thinks One Kiss Means a Relationship

I'm no Joan Collins, but I'm pretty much an equal opportunity kisser (excluding those who fall into the categories in this article!). If a girl kisses you, it probably means she's drunk. Or maybe she just likes the sound that lips make.



8. Those Who Care either Too Much or Too Little about Hygiene

We know it might be cold in the winter, but I promise, once you towel off, showering isn't really that bad. Try it. Please. For our sake. And while on the topic of hygiene: you look like a hobo. Shave off that stupid beard and get a haircut. Please do not misconstrue my advising you to keep clean as a suggestion to get blonde highlights, go tanning, or get manicures and pedicures. That's just as weird. Simply try not to look a mess. Thanks.

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