The Menopausal Market
Stock market, stock market, stock market: the only thing more fickle is my menopausal mother's body temperature. In some ways, I feel that that is a slight to my mother on more than just the obvious level (hi, Mom), but in other ways I feel that the comparison is a fair one.
Now, it is high time to offer solutions to problems - the stock market and its hot flashes being the most glaring and pertinent at the moment. I think that it is more than fair for me to offer a solution to the problem, one that has never been heard before and probably never will be again (at least if the American electorate has some conception of common sense … well, even if it doesn't).
You see, the problem is that about six or seven years ago I could have offered a very witty, thoughtful comparison of hormone replacement therapy and its possible ability to curb the market's menopausal symptoms, such as fickle temperature. However, there were of course more than a few influential studies that showed that hormone replacement therapy is also considerably carcinogenic; And clearly the brokers on Wall Street currently have enough to worry about without having to get regular mammograms. But - and that's a big butt - seeing as those influential reports did come out and were quoted pretty incessantly in the likes of the Harvard Medical Journal, Encyclopedia Britannica, and People magazine that particular analysis would not be particularly fruitful.
However, I will not let these reports get the better of me! I will continue on for the good of the global economy, as any excellent journalist would, though my connections will probably not be quite as beneficial or, well, logical as in that previous example. I fancy myself pretty flexible and I am therefore able to make the odd stretch to keep my ingenious metaphorical paradigm - influenced only partially by my mother's symptoms (hi, again!).
The following is my amended, but still very convincing and interesting perspective on the recent failings and fluctuations of the stock market (through the lens of menopause) and all the lessons we and our politicians can learn therein:
Now, it is high time to offer solutions to problems - the stock market and its hot flashes being the most glaring and pertinent at the moment. I think that it is more than fair for me to offer a solution to the problem, one that has never been heard before and probably never will be again (at least if the American electorate has some conception of common sense … well, even if it doesn't).
You see, the problem is that about six or seven years ago I could have offered a very witty, thoughtful comparison of hormone replacement therapy and its possible ability to curb the market's menopausal symptoms, such as fickle temperature. However, there were of course more than a few influential studies that showed that hormone replacement therapy is also considerably carcinogenic; And clearly the brokers on Wall Street currently have enough to worry about without having to get regular mammograms. But - and that's a big butt - seeing as those influential reports did come out and were quoted pretty incessantly in the likes of the Harvard Medical Journal, Encyclopedia Britannica, and People magazine that particular analysis would not be particularly fruitful.
However, I will not let these reports get the better of me! I will continue on for the good of the global economy, as any excellent journalist would, though my connections will probably not be quite as beneficial or, well, logical as in that previous example. I fancy myself pretty flexible and I am therefore able to make the odd stretch to keep my ingenious metaphorical paradigm - influenced only partially by my mother's symptoms (hi, again!).
The following is my amended, but still very convincing and interesting perspective on the recent failings and fluctuations of the stock market (through the lens of menopause) and all the lessons we and our politicians can learn therein:
Be the first to comment on this story