Diane Krupnick: No Mania Here! (or so they allege)
Upon this edition of the paper, people began to crowd outside Sanguine's office on Maple Lane Road sharing their own stories of their experiences with Mrs. Krupnick.
One man said, "She was always reserved, irritable, sad; never took me up on my sexual offers, only called me a pig. No mania." (Interestingly, a young woman had very similar words to say which we will not print for the sake of the Associated Press and its dignity as a staple of the American news industry.)
Another shared through tears, "I tried to gamble with her. I damn well tried. She was just too absorbed in her own self-loathing - too bad we could have done some great things in the missionary position [sic] . . . no, no, no, no, no mania, sad as it is."
These inspirational stories led to an all-out protest launched in front of Sanguine's office with townspeople carrying banners that preached to the complete and utter lack of mania that Diane had displayed and how their lives would have been far more enjoyable had she displayed it.
When finally reached for comment and questioned as to why he made the diagnosis he did, Sanguine replied, "She certainly seemed to exhibit mania to me. She responded favorably to my sexual advances. We had a great time in Atlantic City, plus she did some excellent work in the missionary position, which of course is one of the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders)'s most vital criteria for bipolar disorder ... The sex was really good too, really good [sic]."
The violent protests rage on to this day, though the marriage of the Krupnicks does not.
One man said, "She was always reserved, irritable, sad; never took me up on my sexual offers, only called me a pig. No mania." (Interestingly, a young woman had very similar words to say which we will not print for the sake of the Associated Press and its dignity as a staple of the American news industry.)
Another shared through tears, "I tried to gamble with her. I damn well tried. She was just too absorbed in her own self-loathing - too bad we could have done some great things in the missionary position [sic] . . . no, no, no, no, no mania, sad as it is."
These inspirational stories led to an all-out protest launched in front of Sanguine's office with townspeople carrying banners that preached to the complete and utter lack of mania that Diane had displayed and how their lives would have been far more enjoyable had she displayed it.
When finally reached for comment and questioned as to why he made the diagnosis he did, Sanguine replied, "She certainly seemed to exhibit mania to me. She responded favorably to my sexual advances. We had a great time in Atlantic City, plus she did some excellent work in the missionary position, which of course is one of the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders)'s most vital criteria for bipolar disorder ... The sex was really good too, really good [sic]."
The violent protests rage on to this day, though the marriage of the Krupnicks does not.
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