Spring Break
God seems to have changed his mind
Issue date: 11/20/08
Remember when God sent a hurricane to Louisiana to punish the sinful homosexuals in the New Orleans area? He claimed 1,800 lives and $81 billion worth of damage to make His point. Prominent pastors such as Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell made it plenty clear that this disaster was a message to homosexuals to stop their sinful ways and repent. As John Hagee said, "[They] were recipients of the judgment of God." Well John, God may have changed His mind.
With a small yet definitive win over the homosexuals of California, Proposition 8 successfully banned the state's recognition of marriages between anyone except a man and a woman. Sparing little time, God resumed His naturally disastrous expression of divine opinion and set fire to the southern part of the Golden State. Over 10,000 acres have now been claimed in the name of gay marriage, and it doesn't seem like God is finished. High winds (gusts up to 80mph), high temperatures and low humidity have been sent to the area, prompting Governor Schwarzenegger to declare a state of emergency. Burn anti-gay activists, burn! So saith the Lord!
Yet now I find myself confused. Doesn't it seem strange for God, so adamant in His hatred of the homosexual agenda, to suddenly change His mind? Especially after His own agenda of denying citizens both marriage and reproductive rights, experienced such a major victory! Why haven't the pastors spoken up? Where are John Hagee, James Dobson, Pat Robertson and Ted Haggard to interpret the divine spark and enlighten us to the inner workings of the Creator?
Queue James Hartline, born-again Christian and ex-homosexual from San Diego. "Each time homosexual activists attempt to force their agenda on California, there have been raging, massive, incinerating fires sweeping across the California landscape." But wait, James, didn't the homosexual agenda experience a shattering blow from the passage of Proposition 8? "I have heard the voice of the Lord say, 'This state belongs to God! I shall have My way, for this land, I created. And this land is Mine! California belongs to Me, not the advocates of sexual anarchy!'" According to Hartline, God has lifted His leg and claimed the land of 400-foot trees for Himself. Ever heard the phrase "pissing fire?" Now you know where it comes from.
With a small yet definitive win over the homosexuals of California, Proposition 8 successfully banned the state's recognition of marriages between anyone except a man and a woman. Sparing little time, God resumed His naturally disastrous expression of divine opinion and set fire to the southern part of the Golden State. Over 10,000 acres have now been claimed in the name of gay marriage, and it doesn't seem like God is finished. High winds (gusts up to 80mph), high temperatures and low humidity have been sent to the area, prompting Governor Schwarzenegger to declare a state of emergency. Burn anti-gay activists, burn! So saith the Lord!
Yet now I find myself confused. Doesn't it seem strange for God, so adamant in His hatred of the homosexual agenda, to suddenly change His mind? Especially after His own agenda of denying citizens both marriage and reproductive rights, experienced such a major victory! Why haven't the pastors spoken up? Where are John Hagee, James Dobson, Pat Robertson and Ted Haggard to interpret the divine spark and enlighten us to the inner workings of the Creator?
Queue James Hartline, born-again Christian and ex-homosexual from San Diego. "Each time homosexual activists attempt to force their agenda on California, there have been raging, massive, incinerating fires sweeping across the California landscape." But wait, James, didn't the homosexual agenda experience a shattering blow from the passage of Proposition 8? "I have heard the voice of the Lord say, 'This state belongs to God! I shall have My way, for this land, I created. And this land is Mine! California belongs to Me, not the advocates of sexual anarchy!'" According to Hartline, God has lifted His leg and claimed the land of 400-foot trees for Himself. Ever heard the phrase "pissing fire?" Now you know where it comes from.
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