Here Comes Satan Claus
Coveting and stealing aren't the only Commandments people disregard this time of year. Moses threw down the sacred tablets in disgust upon the sight of the golden calf, yet Christian parents throw their children in the lap of the most worshiped bearded man in history in every mall across the country. Children fight off sleep, desperately attempting to keep their eyes open long enough to catch a glimpse of Santa Claus at 2 a.m., but how many willingly wake up to attend Christmas mass the following morning? Somehow the naughty or nice list has replaced the importance of St. Peter's guest list. Somehow writing to Santa has taken precedence over praying to God. Somehow this jolly senior citizen has become the deity in charge of childhood morality.
There is, however, a solution to this conundrum. Let's remove God from the picture all together. He doesn't leave the presents under your tree. He doesn't enjoy the smell of your holiday cookies. And His punishment for being naughty is far worse than coal. Let's just begin to worship the favorable alternative. The transition would be smooth; God's cheeks turn to roses, his nose to a cherry, and his stomach more squishy than a bowl full of jelly. Hardly anyone would notice the difference between the two white-haired fogies living above us.
The fifth commandment may easily be one of the most straightforward. Yet no holiday season is complete without a few "accidental" murders. Understandably, it's difficult to not covet; it's easy, however, to keep from killing, let alone stampeding over a retail clerk. But sometimes the enthusiasm of "Happy Holiday" shoppers is so great even a 300-pound man can't restrain it. With people crushing ribs to dust just to take advantage of Black Friday bargains, Hell seems a fitting end.
What does standing in line for 48 hours prove except that you have no family to spend Thanksgiving with? Instead of receiving a voucher for a discount on a plasma screen, big corporations should give out 10 free to the last patrons standing in a free-for-all death match. Holiday shopping would be far more exciting with a machete and an Octagon.
The first commandment ends with, "I the Lord your God am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and the fourth generation of those who reject me." You can thank your grandparents for dooming you to your fiery eternity, and yourself for being ignorant enough to disregard the true meaning of Christmas. There is no need to feel bad for eating an entire 12-pound turkey, returning every gift your boyfriend gave you, or running over your neighbor's child on your last minute Christmas Eve trip to the mall. The holiday season is wrought with sin, so let loose this December and look forward to eternal damnation. God forgive us, everyone.
There is, however, a solution to this conundrum. Let's remove God from the picture all together. He doesn't leave the presents under your tree. He doesn't enjoy the smell of your holiday cookies. And His punishment for being naughty is far worse than coal. Let's just begin to worship the favorable alternative. The transition would be smooth; God's cheeks turn to roses, his nose to a cherry, and his stomach more squishy than a bowl full of jelly. Hardly anyone would notice the difference between the two white-haired fogies living above us.
The fifth commandment may easily be one of the most straightforward. Yet no holiday season is complete without a few "accidental" murders. Understandably, it's difficult to not covet; it's easy, however, to keep from killing, let alone stampeding over a retail clerk. But sometimes the enthusiasm of "Happy Holiday" shoppers is so great even a 300-pound man can't restrain it. With people crushing ribs to dust just to take advantage of Black Friday bargains, Hell seems a fitting end.
What does standing in line for 48 hours prove except that you have no family to spend Thanksgiving with? Instead of receiving a voucher for a discount on a plasma screen, big corporations should give out 10 free to the last patrons standing in a free-for-all death match. Holiday shopping would be far more exciting with a machete and an Octagon.
The first commandment ends with, "I the Lord your God am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and the fourth generation of those who reject me." You can thank your grandparents for dooming you to your fiery eternity, and yourself for being ignorant enough to disregard the true meaning of Christmas. There is no need to feel bad for eating an entire 12-pound turkey, returning every gift your boyfriend gave you, or running over your neighbor's child on your last minute Christmas Eve trip to the mall. The holiday season is wrought with sin, so let loose this December and look forward to eternal damnation. God forgive us, everyone.
Viewing Comments 1 - 3 of 3
Gloria Capel
posted 3/06/09 @ 11:48 PM EST
I thank you for the opportunity to share a portion of my moments in time with future generations.
Alison Worth
posted 3/07/09 @ 12:04 AM EST
Wait for next writes!
Anna Reed
posted 7/04/09 @ 12:28 AM EST
I have to agree with teh poster above... :/ looks like a lot of hot air to me.
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