Spring Break
Who's got a doorbuster deal on coffins?
Issue date: 12/4/08
Were the bargains really bargains, considering that everything bought at Wal-Mart including food is made of plastic and breaks or is relegated to the basement or a yard sale after six to 10 uses, most of which occur on Christmas Day?
What I find amusing, at the expense of a man's life and 2,000 idiotic New Yorkers' consciences (maybe) is that once again, real life has mimicked an event that could only have been conceived in the world of satire. Excessive consumerism has at last become a metaphor of itself and can be put out to pasture, since it's not a problem anymore now. This is how Americans handle tragedies like this. I'm certain that columnists across the country are suggesting that perhaps consumerism has reached a point where it's disgusting/morally reprehensible/despicable etc. with advertising for their holiday book (I can't wait to read A Glenn Beck Christmas).
We don't need a columnist to tell us that consumerism has reached this pinnacle of pathos. Anyone with a Big Mouth Billy Bass knows that. It's time to embrace it. America has recently done the honor of putting John Quincy Adams on currency. I propose that we replace George Washington with Jdimytai Damour, and put this man directly on the $1 bill.
Buying a soda? You'll think of Jdimytai, and maybe curse him for being too beat up to fit into the machine. Tipping a bartender? Leave a Jdimytai. America lacks martyrs, and it is high time that we properly honor our insatiate appetite for stuff. George Washington had a vision for democracy. Jdimytai Damour had a vision of a Black Friday where mobs would enter stores on time and shop peacefully. And for that, he should be remembered. Stuff, after all, is frequently cited by psychologists as that which brings happiness to us, and thus should be obtained at whatever cost necessary.
The other two Black Friday deaths from this year being, it seems at this point safe to say, more or less inconsequential gang-related shootings, we thus far lack the true symbol of consumerism that we need: A shopper who gave his/her life for the noble cause of corporate welfare.
Many a tussle has of course broken out over the last piece of brittle plastic and circuitry in the discount bin, but documented evidence of murder-for-gift at this point still does not exist. Let's be honest: It's not going to be long before it happens. At that point, it may be time to put that person on the $100 bill. Consumerism is here to stay. I'm going to Wal-Mart.
What I find amusing, at the expense of a man's life and 2,000 idiotic New Yorkers' consciences (maybe) is that once again, real life has mimicked an event that could only have been conceived in the world of satire. Excessive consumerism has at last become a metaphor of itself and can be put out to pasture, since it's not a problem anymore now. This is how Americans handle tragedies like this. I'm certain that columnists across the country are suggesting that perhaps consumerism has reached a point where it's disgusting/morally reprehensible/despicable etc. with advertising for their holiday book (I can't wait to read A Glenn Beck Christmas).
We don't need a columnist to tell us that consumerism has reached this pinnacle of pathos. Anyone with a Big Mouth Billy Bass knows that. It's time to embrace it. America has recently done the honor of putting John Quincy Adams on currency. I propose that we replace George Washington with Jdimytai Damour, and put this man directly on the $1 bill.
Buying a soda? You'll think of Jdimytai, and maybe curse him for being too beat up to fit into the machine. Tipping a bartender? Leave a Jdimytai. America lacks martyrs, and it is high time that we properly honor our insatiate appetite for stuff. George Washington had a vision for democracy. Jdimytai Damour had a vision of a Black Friday where mobs would enter stores on time and shop peacefully. And for that, he should be remembered. Stuff, after all, is frequently cited by psychologists as that which brings happiness to us, and thus should be obtained at whatever cost necessary.
The other two Black Friday deaths from this year being, it seems at this point safe to say, more or less inconsequential gang-related shootings, we thus far lack the true symbol of consumerism that we need: A shopper who gave his/her life for the noble cause of corporate welfare.
Many a tussle has of course broken out over the last piece of brittle plastic and circuitry in the discount bin, but documented evidence of murder-for-gift at this point still does not exist. Let's be honest: It's not going to be long before it happens. At that point, it may be time to put that person on the $100 bill. Consumerism is here to stay. I'm going to Wal-Mart.
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